"Y"

Haaayyy...

      The first question is... How to be a good person? 

Evreybody knows that I came from a very poor family. Not so-so poor but my mother gave up everything so that we can still enjoy eating breakfast-lunch and dinner.  It might sound a bit pageant-ish but well... My mother raised me very very well. Hello! I'm one of the Batang 90's who grew up na Laki sa Sinturon. She encouraged us to be contented in what we have according to our resources. My father have been to abroad, yes we "occasionally" been well-off to the extent that my mother went to school just to reprimand me as well as my classmates who asked for a sheet of pad paper to me. That taught me how to think of myself before anyone else because my father weren't literally extracting oils in Saudi Arabia just to provide me an a fancy elementary pad paper to just hand it out to someone else without thinking if i still have more left when the time comes I need some. But that's not how the lesson I came after my Mother. She also taught us, it's okay to aspire something you don't have, it's okay to get jealous to someone else's wealth, and success and but when the time comes when you have many things even though no everything,  you don't have to be greedy to take something that's not yours. Basically, she thought us what is right or wrong. Even though we we're born penniless, if you worked very hard, you will gain and achieve something, and when you reached the top you still have the thinking that you will always found yourself in the bottom and vice-versa. As Heidi Klum Says "Just like in Fashion, One day you're in, the next day you're out."  

That maybe became a stigma to me, to become pessimistic. May be my strength, may be my weakness. But still it preempts the stress of being a loser. It doesn't add any insult to any injury. Because you expect the unexpected. That may be a negative perspective, that may be the killer of my confidence but I love the element of surprise . I do not consider myself as a successful person. At this age of 33, (well, some says I still look like I'm in my late 20's.) still not in the middle of the bucket list you know, savings, stability, yes I do have a home of my won but still in progress, in short, I'm still working in my investment, as a person, as a gay person. I may not have made my Father proud for being a straight man, and having him here in my own house and making him feel how I care and love him, I guess one box checked into my bucket list. Technically at this point, I'm still not in the half of that bucket. I'm still have to work hard to reach my goals and I'm just 6 and half months away before my 40's to which were life begins. To some life starting to get your eye to into a countdown timer before it ends. Yes, I can't brag of anything I have, specially this crisis, I'm in the moment of first step of recovering my wealth. I just started my professional Job again and I have zero balance on my savings account. In Leyman's term isang-kahig, isang-tuka. And in this moment special events were happening to our lives. Where you learn some things, appreciate things you only have in your pocket. Spending more time in your family than you used to. And get to know more about the people surrounding you. 

And a month ago I've been away from my home and got stranded in Lockdown , thanks to the  incompetent governance. I found myself crying while lying in somone else's bed, calculating all the remaining pennies left and can't figure out what'll happen to my future. I actually cried like a baby and looking for my mother pat my back and tell me "it's okay." But it's really not! I may be not so unfortunate than those who suffered NCov19 virus and didn't get the SAP in the most times they need it, but my ego is looking at me in the reflection of the mirror and telling I failed. I didn't seen it come. Neither everyone was too. But I'm in the position were I actually did it last year. I just had a house of my own and sealed it. (though with remaining balance but I actually half year paid) I still have monthly dues of expenses and errands for maintaining this almost-successful lifestyle which I actually saw before my last job ended. But spending all my remaining savings and doesn't have any idea how to refill it, just gave me a breakdown scene. So I searched everything to found any way of having any source of income. Meanwhile, the burden in me actually weighs lighter because I was surrounded by friends and bestfriends whom (I thought) will be there for me through these rough times. But suddenly, the wheel has turned. and yes... I never expected it to happened. When the person you knew very well, the person you expected to lift the heavy bar in your head, and the person you've treasured so much will be the person who you never expected to put you down. 

Yes, as the saying goes, Sometimes your closest friend will be your greatest enemy. 

Yes, if you are reading, I'm addressing this straight to you... And I'm very devastated, because I cannot think of any best answer for the question. Why?????

Why did we have to go this way?

Where did I go wrong?

How can you do this to me? 

What am I to you? 

We are not friends. We are not best friends. But we are sisters. What have I done wrong to deserve this? Why now? Why are you choking my neck when I'm about to loose my breath? Why do I feel like you are getting a revenge of whatever I've done to you? Why fight me through the times I'm incapable of doing? Why are you looking down on me from above where when I'm in your shoe I was busy lifting you up to my expense?  I fed you with my last meal on the fridge. I pushed you to be good on the things that people says that you are not. I've plead to the court even though you're already guilty.  I have loved you when nobody else does.

You know the drill, the standard operating procedure, the golden rule. And yet you still managed to crossed the line. Why? 

After a decade of so-called friendship, I even named you the sacred term which I'm afraid using. I even told everyone you are my bestfriend. I should've never used that endearment. Ever. 

I took any of consideration. I put with your attitude and split hairs to understand your situation. I tried to light things up. But... I still don't understand. I just don't. 

Yes, I both grew up from poor family. That's why that urges me to work hard to achieve a comfortable life compare to the one I grew up into. But my mother taught me not to take things that you don't own. Yes, I may not own them. I can't actually buy them. I was like a kid who found a rag toy and groomed it up just to make it look as good as new an not to be thrown away again.  But I worked hard to gain their respect to be loyal to me but technically, that was mine. And while I'm away you managed to sneak in and bought every expensive materials to make it look like yours. 

Yes, he may not choose me in the end. But I was hoping aside from me he will never look for another owner that looks like me. But you found your way putting your name on it behind my absence. Which is so inappropriate. Which for everyone is stealing. Which we already knew it was bad.  Yes it was a toy. But for now it is legally owned by me. FYI. 

And for the respect of the people which you have paid for. I felt I was betrayed. I thought you knew what's right or wrong. You know what delicadesa is. And do I have to explain further? Ang kay Juana, kay Juana, ang kay Pedra, kay Pedra, kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan? I appreciate the fact that one of you have told me. And being a friend, maybe preventing the fire to burn would've been too kind. But you let that happened. The house's burned. It can be renovated, but it can never be recovered. 

 

Some friends told me, to not think about it. Is it possible? The item that was took away from is not the issue here. Do I have to explain further? 

Why do people cheat? Maybe because their not contented with the person they already have. But how about a Cheater friend? For the fact that you two are fighting over a lover for everyone. For money? Maybe he sometimes. Maybe He in times of need. A sex worker? Yes. He maybe to the other people. To me technically, except you. Which is so painful to see. Why you? Which I really don't understand. Maybe I just can't. And never will. 

Life is cruel to everyone. Specially to me. I'm tired of loving a person who're incapable of loving back,  and ending up with a broken heart. Which became a tradition to me that's why I stopped loving someone. That's why I started playing with someone. Now, if my favorite toy is customized only for me, then I will never let someone to play it. Specially the people who already new it. Maybe I shoul stop playing. 

After all of these, all you need is a friend who will comfort you, who will care for you, who will lift you up, who will make you laugh when you're breaking down. But not someone whp will give you a brokenheart and ended up stealing your toy. Maybe I should stop making friends too. Or maybe I should start befriending someone. It's okay for me to walk alone. 

In this life, even your pet can trade you to another owner. (of course for a better offer) All you have is your family. That son will found their own family. Soon will die. So All you need is yourself. I'd rather walk alone. 

I'm tired of caring to someone. I'm tired of protecting someone. I'm tired of playing with someone. I'm tired of loving someone. 

Maybe I should love myself first. 

Maybe It's okay to be alone. 

Don't hold my hand coz I know soon you will let go of it. 

May be it's for the better. For Good.