He can't...They can't... I can't

Today I saw the person who reminded my old self 4 years ago. The person who once held my happiness. The sweetest sensation I ever felt in my entire life. The one who introduced me to his family. The one that shared my part of life. And the one whom I loved the most. 

There he was. Smiling at me as if nothing happened for the past 7 years. He can't remember the smile he brought me. He can't remember how he introduced me to his family 'legally." He can't remember how we kissed. How I kiss him. And he kissed me back. He can't remember the best moan I ever yelled when we're in bed. He can't remember how I loved him or may I just say, he can't even remember he told me he loved me too. Which make me think... Okay... there is really nothing to remember. 

He can't even remember the things I promised to myself when I recently came from another heartache which I broke because I trusted to love him. And he can't even remember how I composed myself from a another near-death situation. There is no sign... At all. And the most crazy thing of it all... There is no sign of any regret from him. And there is really no sign of me on him. 

I'm not hurt. I may be bitter. Because "allegedly" his "better" with his 4-year relationship with this woman. Or may I just say "this homewrecker."

4 year ago, everything seems perfect. Except me. Shablam! I'm not a biological woman. I don't have the essence of being a woman. Which I learned I was replaced by this woman he chose doesn't also posses of the essence of being a true woman. Which somehow makes me bitter because I know he really wants to have his own family. That's why he chose her... Over me. 

Seeing him face to face for the first time after four years. The way he looks which is physically far from where I left him. Or he left me. Lol. Maybe I don't feel pain. Maybe I don't feel bitterness at all. Maybe a part of me felt pity on him because imagine how he look now if we're still together compare how he look today. But the truth hurts. He didn't choose me. Maybe because. I was really not part of the choices. 

I never was. And never will be. Simply because... He never loved me. So why will he choose me? 

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking of it. Maybe I shouldn't be writing these because I should've known at first. I will never be chosen. Never was a second choice. Nor third or fourth. 

If only I could seen this coming. Or maybe I should've opened my eyes because I already know this would come. 

I never was a choice. I may be an option. But never always a choice. 

Not just in any relationship, even in a company, wherein I have put so much effort to a project that required my time, sweat and sleepless nights, which I always do to anything or anyone. After a cpuple of weeks of pitching. My concept WAS CHOSEN to be in a TV show. 

Yes! My concept. My idea. My effort. My presence during pre-planning. We started the plan. But luckily (or may I just say unfortunately) in the end I was not part of the plan. They've chosen somebody else to lead my legacy. BS right?

I should've known at first. Growing up I can say that I should've always get used to it. But how can I? As I get old, I have always been used by so many people. Not a news to me. I should've been hurting in the first place. It's not just I don't have the choice. But apparently I don't have the right. Do I?

Living in these rough times wherein the government have put so much effort in the people who criticize them than to the people itself. We don't have any choice... Than to let ourselves be exploited by the fact that we cannot make our own choices. What's in the news? I never wanted to know. Well, I just wished I was born from a different country. Because these BS you've voted for is not doing any good in their job. Maybe saving this country is not that they've sign up for. Im just tired criticizing them and I don't want to end up in jail by stating my thoughts about this FS regime. Their time will come. Nah! We still have two years to suffer this administration, 

Three months of waiting... No work, No pay. No transportation. No HOPE. The only thing that we keep on gripping on is FAITH. I, too, came to a moment that I really wanted to give up. Listening and watching videos about preaches by Don Moen saved me, and continued gripping on my faith and give it all to The Lord Almighty. Praise God! 

Somehow through these rough times where everyone is in need, we tend to know much more about the people sorrounding us. Some are surprisingly has this initiative to help you when you dont have to scream to the world that you're in need. And sadly there are some who are enjoying being on the top while looking down on you. The true colors came shine through. I even ate deaththreats for dinner and it was actually from a "friend" of mine as he quoted. Cummon! Having these pandemic, people become FRIEND-demic. Trust me, the only thing you had is your family.  I've unfriended some, and unfriended by some because of my opinions regarding the government. I cried three times, thibking that theses bitches is coming after me through my rough times which it hurts me badly. in all people. But there are some people who gives you opportunity, literally in you face telling you, YOU MUST BE LUCKY YOU WERE GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY. So you don't have the right to complain and defend yourself. You must be thankful! Or else opportunity will be given to others. (who never complain) 

Maybe I should've seen this coming. Maybe I was not an option. Maybe I was meant to be used. Maybe because I wasn't good enough to be the boss. Or maybe I can't be a good leader with my english comprehension. (guess you've been proofreading this now) Or maybe they don't see being a head. At first. Clearly, they really didn't choose me. They can't choose me. Simply because, they never will. Hey! I'm not an option. 

Life is an irony. You should never expect it to be fair. Well, what is a story without a problem? What's the use of a protagonist without it's antagonist? 

We chose to forget our dignity in able for us to survive. Yes, to survive. In survival, choice is not choice. It's not that you don't have the choice, but to we choose ourselves in able to live. We can't complain to what is coming to us. It's not that we don't have the right. But we don't have a choice. 

The only choice you have is to stay silent. Cover your eyes, your ears, your mouth and tell yourself there is no evil. 🙈🙉🙊

PS: and just like the queen of The world of a married couple once said...